When I am hurt, it rubs my back;
On seeing that broken heart, some teardrops remind me of my pain.
And I cry.
When I am defeated, it touches me.
On seeing that closed door, some teardrops remind me of my failure
And I cry.
When I miss someone, it’s with me;
On seeing that someone, some teardrops remind me of my longing.
And I cry.
Lots of tears have gushed off my eyes to lighten me up. They always do.
But there’re some that never dropped .
On one of the days in the month July that year was our fifth marriage anniversary. Yet another occasion to celebrate, drink and feel special about. My husband had already made flight reservations, not that it was my life’s first flight but it appeared as if it was one. We were travelling to Big Island in Hawaii and were planning to stay at Hilton Waikaloa Resort. From what we had read on Internet- this resort had good ratings and some great reviews. It is considered to be the best Resort in the “whole wide world,”( Kush’s language.) By the way Kush is our 4 years old son.
Apart from our anniversary, the trip, the fabulous island, the resort, there was yet another reason I was so excited about. After having some long discussions with my husband, I succeeded in persuading him for a second child. Mentally, I had been ready for quiet sometime but he was not. He had his practical reasons. I was not willing to think about them. I had never been a planner. I have always been a doer. “Let’s just do it” types- but fortunately or unfortunately, in the process of making babies one always needs two people. And, since I wanted a legitimate one too, I needed his cooperation.
Once he agreed, I wanted to make this baby in style. I had it all laid out. I had recently seen the “Disney Cruise Line- Little Souvenir” advertisement on TV and loved that idea.
I too wanted my little souvenir from this trip. I happily switched the location from a cruise ship to a serene and beautiful Hawaiian resort. I didn’t share my plan with my husband but I was all set. The good part was that I didn’t have to make many preparations for that; my only job was to look nice and elegant. And that was not too difficult for me. Before we set off for on our trip, I had even been to my doctor for physical check-up just to be sure that everything was fine. And it was.
On the day of our departure, all of us were extremely happy. I was at the peak of excitement when I saw the small, beautiful Hawaii airport with lot of palm trees all around. The Island was nothing but happiness, enjoyment and beauty. In between all the trips to various beaches, volcano and water falls we had our special moments with each other. Two of us were intoxicated by the nature’s artistry that surrounded us where ever we went. Kush was also very happy and blended well. He was cooperative and allowed his mom and dad to celebrate their special occasion.
After returning from the trip, I knew that it had happened. I could not wait to do the home pregnancy test, but there was no test that can detect pregnancy right away. So, I had no choice but to wait a couple of weeks before we could be sure. My husband even laughed and made fun of me when I refused to have wine. Whatever it might be but I was not ready to take the risk. I went with my intuition.
And yes, I was right, my dream had started shaping up. We found out that we were going to have a new baby in our lives. Yayyyyy!!! I was exhilarated. My next intuition was that it was a girl and that’s what I wanted … A complete family of four with a son and daughter in it. And that happy family was not too far in the picture. I called my doctor’s office to get an appointment for the first checkup. It was scheduled for September 11th.
I was not a first time mom. I remembered everything from my last experience. I took good care of myself . I looked forward to the appointment with my gyne, after which I could share the happiness with my loved ones. I also waited to get the morning sickness, the weakness or the tiredness, the sluggishness that one feels at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was anxious to feel the movement of the baby. I couldn’t wait to be ‘real’ pregnant. I kept bugging my husband for all the above symptoms. He tried to tell me that it was too early, but after five years of marriage who listens, neither did I.
Meanwhile, my spouse had a new assignment at a company in Seattle. It was about two hours flight from Bay Area. As a consultant he always wanted to experience a travelling job and act like a true consultant. Although it was a short project, I didn’t like the idea; especially because I was pregnant. This new venture was giving him an opportunity to move up his career ladder. After some discussions, I allowed him to do so because I realized the importance and the role that it would play in his future. I solaced myself with the thought that it was just the first trimester.
Soon the whole family got used to new setting. My husband used to fly on Monday’s and return on Friday.The transition was not that difficult. Kush missed his dad, but more than that he loved the drives to airport, twice a week. Both of us missed each other but it was okay. We enjoyed every single moment that we were together.
We had also planned that after the first check-up we will all go to Seattle together and see the Space Needle. I had never been there, I had only heard of it from friends or seen it on television. “Sleepless in Seattle” is one of my favorite movie and I had always pictured myself at the top of the Needle and it was about to happen.
It was Thursday; the eighth week of my pregnancy. The day had come when I was going to see the doctor and may be my baby too. We dropped Kush at the day care. My friend Neelu accompanied me to the appointment. I was too excited and in that excitement I reached hospital twenty minutes before the scheduled time. It was a big achievement for me. I had never reached anywhere on time, but that day it was different. I was ready to see and hear my baby.
I had not anticipated what happened in the examination room that day. My doctor failed to hear baby’s heartbeat through her hand held ultrasound machine. Then she used another portable one but that didn’t help either. She assured me that this happens sometimes during initial stages. I was not worried, I didn’t think that anything wrong could happen to me or to my baby. Neelu was standing by my side with a confused smile. She didn’t know what was going on as she had never been a mom. She had recently married was just a new wife. She softly pressed my hand when doctor informed that she would do another ultrasound the following week to check the progress.
After the appointment I was a little dissatisfied with the way things turned out. I had no news to share with my friends and family. I didn’t have any picture to show to Kush. No, I was not scared or worried but my heart kept praying to God, for the health and safety of my little girl. On Friday, when my husband came home, he assured me as well that everything would be fine.
Saturday night, we went out for dinner at a friends place and had a good time. All the friends got excited when I refused to have my favorite wine. They even nudged me to accept the truth that I was pregnant. I didn’t give in. Both of us enjoyed the fun and jokes that were made on us. Next morning, I was nauseous and tired. After two rounds to the restroom, I felt better. I was relieved, and it was a good sign for me. Finally, I was having the “morning sickness.”
On Tuesday evening, the day after he left, I noticed some spotting. Although it was not very heavy, it was enough to scare any pregnant woman. I called the doctor and the nurse. They explained that it was not uncommon and happens sometimes and that there was nothing to get worried. I was advised to take as much rest as possible. After that episode, everything appeared to go downhill. I tried to watch a movie, chatted with my family on phone, ordered pizza, spent some good quality time with Kush but nothing seemed to work. I failed to keep my mind off of my unborn baby. I suspected the worse. My mind kept echoing, “Am I going to lose the one who is so close to me?”
The second appointment was scheduled on Thursday. Like the last time, I could not wait to hear my baby’s heartbeat. Although, by that time a little fear had seeped in, I still hoped that this dark patch of cloud will soon pass by and everything will turn out fine. I envisioned that in about seven months, I will have a healthy, happy, baby girl in my arms. My husband and I were in constant touch, I wanted him to be by my side but he just couldn’t make it because of an important deadline that week. I was angry but had other things to worry about. He tried to cheer me up in his own ways and even ordered a bunch of my favorite lilies to be delivered to our home. It did help a bit but not much. His absence was making me miserable.
By Wednesday night, I knew I was miscarrying. My dreams were shattered. My hopes flew away into the wilderness. I was empty-handed, left with nothing. I wanted to shout and cry. Tears came but didn’t flow out of my eyes. While my husband tried to get the air tickets, he requested his good friend Shantanu to take care of me. Shantanu took me to the hospital and also took care of Kush while I was in the emergency room, suffering alone. It was terribly painful to go through that physical and mental torture.
When I held the cold bed rails to control the pain from the cramping, I missed my soulmate. I wanted him dearly. I wanted him to be close to me, to hold my hands. I know, things would have been so much easier if we had been together that night. But God had other plans for me. He was testing me and wanted me to come out of this stronger than ever. I survived the night. The morning came with the discharge form from the hospital. My husband was back too. He hugged me. Not a word was exchanged, we just held each other in silence.
By then it was confirmed that we had lost our child but one last ultrasound was needed to decide the next steps. That evening we went to see my regular doctor. She confirmed what we already knew. I sat there blankly, with wet eyes but dry cheeks. The doctor discussed the procedure of flushing out stuff off my system. I wanted to yell at her that ‘it’ was not ‘stuff’ but a part of me. I didn’t have the energy to do so. I remained still. She suggested to go for a non-surgical way (tablets) first before going for any invasive procedures.
Two days after taking the medications, I knew when my body expelled the last remains of my baby. Quietly, I came out of the restroom, sat at the edge of the bed and stared my toes. My eyes were blurry, I didn’t blink and didn’t let that last bit drop. My little girl was gone. Only tears remained.